Keeping Secrets

I have discovered recently that it can be hard to keep a secret, even one that you never intended to be a secret in the first place.

In March I got pregnant, it should of been a joyous thing, it should of been a happy time, but it wasn't. My husband was cranky and I was feeling scared more than excited (although yes I was a little excited). We were using contraception and not planning anymore children.

With all the kids we didn't share our pregnancy news with everyone until we were 3 months along, and we treated this just the same. Although I told my big sister and a good friend....and during the stress of what followed I turned online for support.

I felt sick for about 2 weeks, and then it stopped and I had some spotting. I knew in my heart that things weren't right but didn't really want to believe it. I went in for an ultrasound and the dates didn't match up, there was only a sac, no baby. I was booked in for a scan a week later, I had more spotting, I felt like my heart was breaking.

That was one of the longest weeks of my life.

The follow up scan confirmed that the pregnancy was not progressing, I had what is called a blighted ovum. The next night, my miscarriage started, like my heart now accepted what my body already knew. I was 8.5 weeks pregnant.

The miscarriage was horrendous, so much blood, clots so big I found it hard to cope but I stayed home and tried to trust my body. This continued on for 2 days after which it slowed down. I went to my Doctor and was told that the bleeding should stop after a few days. Little did I know that this process was only just beginning.

On my 30th birthday, a week after the miscarriage started, I was back at the Doctor, I had a clot stuck in my cervix and needed a D&C. You would think that this would be easy to get, but no, I was a patient in the public health system and unless I presented myself to emergency I would have to wait. So I waited.

4 weeks after my miscarriage started I had my D&C. My big sister drove me to the hospital while my husband stayed at home with the kids. I was scared and emotional but by that point I just wanted it all over, it had been 5 weeks since I had known for sure that the pregnancy was over. I had been bleeding on and off for that whole time, dealing with the emotions of things being in limbo....I was over it.

Once the D&C was over I bled on and off for about 1.5 weeks and then a few days later got my period. Then things were, well, "normal" again. Except for me, I found it very hard to deal with my emotions.....I still do.

When I got pregnant I saw a baby, instantly for me I saw the end result. I am not sure if I am still grieving or truely depressed, I cry almost everyday. As my EDD (Christmas) comes up I feel my heart breaking all over again. I think I want another baby, but making the decision to have another baby is a hard one, my husband is not keen, we already have 4 and struggle sometimes.

I want so bad for this not to be my last experience with pregnancy, I want a positive memory to erase the ones I have right now. I want a baby, but in saying that, do I want another child?

We still have not told family and most of our friends what we went through......and now after all this time how would we bring it up. My husband can forget, but I can not. Maybe one day, when thinking about it doesnt make me cry I will be able to tell them.